The End of the Onion
Well, at long last it has come to an end. I finally saw through their fraud and brought to an end an "adventure" of some long months serving the Order of the Onion.
It was a single thing that sparked the downfall of the Order in my eyes: I wanted to write an article.
Well, with all this practice (okay, I admit I haven't been posting lately) I decided to write a little essay on the Order of the Onion. Well, really there were two problems with that. For one, they were never going to let me publish my little essay anyhow - more on that later. And second, when I started digging into the past of the Order of the Onion I found some unusual circumstances - well, unusual is probably an understatement!
Well, we all know the purported history of the Order of the Onion. If you don't know the whole story, you can read about it here. Anyway, it supposedly all began in an Iowa onion farmer's field. (You notice I don't capitalize onion any more?) Well, I decided to do some research on John Mack, the onion farmer, and what do you think I found out? The best that anyone can tell me, Mr. John Mack, onion farmer who on that famed starry August night in 1943 had a vision in his field, never even existed! That's right. I couldn't find a shred of evidence that he ever existed.
And what do you think Jer Meloncampf (that fraud!) said when I asked him about this?
"Maybe you shouldn't be writing this article at this time? It appears as if you are not ready for it. You are not yet wholly attune to your inner onion."
Wholly attune to my inner onion? What a crack-pot! I'm just flabbergasted that it took me so long to realize it. All those late nights standing on street corners in downtown Seattle handing out tracts.
Well, I didn't realize it right at first.
"I've been trying," I said.
It was true. I had been every Thursday night to the unraveling session in the onion bowl (a completely spherical room at their Seattle Church Headquarters.)
"You know, we knew we were taking a risk letting a level 1 initiate write an essay about the Big O." (That's what those wise crackers call it, the Big O.)
"But you said this would be good for me. Help me launch my writing career."
Well, I realized right then: that was the bottom line. What I really wanted deep down inside all along was to become a writer. But what I also realized may have been far more important. They were never going to let me publish my article in the first place. It was all a big fraud - another aspect of their freakish mind control. In fact, I'm tempted to think they are not actually connected with The Onion like they said.
So, now I've actually abandoned the Order of the Onion and I'm going to try to become a writer on my own.